Stuck!
Stuck Stuck
Stuck in MuckRut Rut
Ain’t no butBarb Barb
Eats more Carbs(With apologies to Dr. Seuss.)
Barb Here
Yep. Despite all the good intentions, to-do lists, plans, goal-setting, and the need to move on in many ways, I’ve spent the past few weeks stuck down in a murky mire of ooze. It’s happened before, years ago,
and usually preceded by a few bad choices. Let me correct that. This feeling is always preceded by a few horrible choices and the knowledge that I did this to me.
Sure, life happens and sends crap. Books have been written about that. And sure, many folks have had many worse challenges/problems/tragedies than what I’m mucking about in. While I don’t love this moment in time, I do love my life with EW on the boat.
I’m just not that thrilled with my action—or, more honestly, lack of action—right now.
Work In Progress Post 60
When I’m wallowing in brown self-inflicted goo, two phrases come to my mind, unbidden. The first is “I just want to go home.” Now, before all y’all non-boaters read more into that than you should, this phrase has popped into my head at certain moments since I was a teen, lying in my own charming attic bedroom. Clearly, “Going Home” is more about the home inside me than my physical surroundings.
(Now that’s a Deep Thought.)
This interpretation is boosted by the second pervasive phrase, “I can’t get out of my own way.” Which pretty much says it all.
I like me, I’m just not thrilled with my actions and effort of late. Thanks to Google, I know that I’m not alone. If one searches the term “Stuck in a rut”, thousands of links show up, from other people’s blogs to magazines, to Ted Talks. (It’s occurred to me that one could search pretty much anything on Google and find like-minded people. Validation may not always be a good thing.)
Looking for New Tools to Take Me from Stuck in Muck to Cruise in Blue
After a quick search, I have opted to use the three tips from this article from INC. Magazine and these lovely Ted Talks (plus some serious and positive self-talk) to get me moving again. The good news is that I’ve already reached the stage of remembering the last times I felt this way and how successfully everything turned out once I stopped getting in my own way. I’ve also read your comments from some of my past posts. This last year or two have been a struggle and I wished I’d dealt with it much sooner.
And yes, I do know that if I’d been doing all the things Lynnelle and I’ve been talking about, I wouldn’t be in a rut right now. My bad. While I’m still wallowing, let me once again stand up for the maligned millennials. There are few of us who have escaped moments when we have failed at Adulting. It’s a human thing, not a generational thing.
Win Win
Let’s Begin!
NOTE 1. At some point, I have to show progress, not just another article in which I am bitching.
NOTE 2. The muddy boots are Tevas, taken from their website.
Thank you all. And thanks to Lynnelle and EW because they let me blather. Then I started a new plan, accepted that I can’t change the weather, and worked that plan. Yesterday, we drove to visit a friend in the hospital. (He’s fine.) I worked diligently and productively for three hours, writing a bit over 900 words. Since part of my plan is to write 2000 a day every darn day, Stew went to bed to read and I sat down to the laptop for an hour, writing 1200 more words. Some of those, highly edited are below.
What does it take to get me to climb out of a pit of angst? (I wasn’t in a pit of despair, just witchy, bitchy, twitchy, and not productive.
So what works?
Talking. Out loud.
I’m a verbal person—this comes as no surprise to anyone. But more than that, I’ve just realized that I’m an oral person who needs to give voice to her fears. I need to talk it out. Now, I don’t actually always need (and too rarely want) advice during these sessions. I just need to give voice to that which I’ve internalized. Journaling doesn’t do it and Writing and sharing don’t do it. The writing is a bit too calculated—with spell-check, and a thesaurus search or two. Plus, even though everyone may know I actually wrote the words you read, I can somehow distance myself from them.
I admit that this is weird. After all, something stated to one individual and not recorded is an airy thing, floating, lost in space and time; while something actually composed, edited, and published in print or on a blog is out there for all to read into perpetuity. (I know that perpetuity doesn’t really figure into this as it’s unlikely that hundreds of years from now someone would want to read my fears and blathering.
What matters is that I actually admit, out loud, to someone important that I’ve fudged up, messed up, am frightened, confused, distraught, sad, angry, or wallowing in the muck. I have to confess. I have to question. I have to come clean.
You know what this sounds like, right?
“Hello my name is Barbara and I am a procrastinator because I am scared of failing.”
Hmm. Guess those Anomyous groups have a good idea.
Well, that lesson only took 62 years to learn. I’m on a roll now!
Sometimes we all need to “eat dirt” or have a 5 minute pity-party. Life is not always fair and sometimes it’s downright frustrating and you have to dig deep for the needed inspiration to get out of the rut. It’s been a tough spring, but I think I have finally found that motivation. It is not easy to live a life with indefinite plans, but that is what I have chosen and I need to move forward in small steps instead of looking at the big picture and becoming overwhelmed with the “what ifs” of life. I have also felt the need to “go home”– not a place really, because that no longer exists–its the people I miss associated with home.
You are both an inspiration! Keep up the good work.
Yup. Been there, too many times. Just remember – We love you anyway, Barb!